The Gift of Christian Friendship (Tony Merida, Exalting Jesus in Acts)

The Gift of Christian Friendship

Acts 20:36–21:16

We pick up the story with Paul saying good-bye to the Ephesian elders. Farewells tend to be memorable and special, and this one certainly was. After studying Paul’s ministry in Ephesus, and in light of everything Paul said in his farewell speech, we can understand that Paul loved these men. And these elders loved Paul. So they displayed understandable affection and emotion. They knelt on the beach and prayed together. Then the group escorted Paul to the ship, perhaps comforting one another with the reality that they would see Paul again in glory. It’s a moving picture of Christ-centered community.

The heart-wrenching farewell is memorialized once again in the following verse before Luke lists ports and lengths of stay along the journey to Jerusalem. In the midst of all these names and places, Luke provides some vivid illustrations of genuine Christian fellowship and friendship at work. (I’ll mainly use “friendship” as opposed to “fellowship” in the following discussion because it may be more challenging and practical for us.) The important thing to remember about chapter 21 is that we must not get overwhelmed by all the names and places it records. Rather, we need to look at the strength of Christian friendship expressed there.

The team first took a small vessel around the southwest tip of Asia Minor. They briefly stopped at the islands of Cos and Rhodes before reaching the port of Patara on the mainland. Then they booked a trip on a larger cargo ship as they headed toward the major port in Tyre. There Paul and his companions “sought out the disciples” (21:4) and stayed with them for a week. The Tyre group deeply loved Paul and urged him not to go to Jerusalem. Yet when the week ended, the Christians in Tyre accompanied the missionaries to the beach (v. 5), and as was done in the Ephesus scene, the believers knelt down to pray before saying farewell (v. 6).

Paul then traveled south to Ptolemais and enjoyed a day of fellowship with the “brothers and sisters” (v. 7) there before proceeding down to Caesarea (v. 8), the seaside capital of the province of Judea and the location of Peter’s meeting with Cornelius (10:1–11:18). Paul stayed with Philip, one of the “Magnificent Seven” who distributed food to widows (6:1–7). This same Philip evangelized Samaria, the Ethiopian eunuch, and the coastal towns of Philistia (8:4–13). Philip rightly earned the title evangelist (21:8), a term rarely used in the New Testament (cf. Eph 4:11; 2 Tim 4:5). Even more unusual are Philip’s daughters. They were unmarried and they “prophesied” (v. 9). This means they were living proof of the Spirit’s coming at Pentecost (see 2:17). Luke, however, doesn’t draw attention to their prophecies. He focuses on the prophecy of Agabus of Judea (21:10–11), which we will look at in a moment.

After Paul’s resolute commitment to go to Jerusalem (vv. 11–14), the final scene of Christian fellowship is found in verses 15–16. Some of the believers accompanied Paul and his crew to Jerusalem. As they journeyed, they stayed with Mnason, a Cypriot and early disciple (cf. 11:19–20).

The Need for Christian Friendship

It’s remarkable to observe how often Paul is surrounded by Christian friends as he does the work God called him to do. Paul travels with friends. He stays with them. He visits them. He works alongside them. Here in Acts 21 we see this trait on display again. His friends surround him. They journey together. They spend time together. They talk together. They weep together. They no doubt laugh together. And they pray together. Is Paul’s constant contact with friends due to a weakness in his life? Is this merely the result of Paul’s personality? I don’t think so. I believe Paul surrounded himself with friends because he, like every person, is created in the image of God. And we humans are made for community. God exists in a perfect triune relationship, and we, who are made by him and in his likeness, are built for friendships.

Even the mighty apostle Paul needed friends. But the biblical importance of friends isn’t limited to what we can read about Paul. Look at Jesus—he was the “friend of sinners,” and he called his disciples “friends” (John 15:12–15). To live apart from others is not only to be unlike Paul, but it’s also to be unlike Jesus. Tim Keller rightly says,

To need and to want deep spiritual friendships is not a sign of spiritual immaturity, but of maturity. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign of health. (“Spiritual Friendship”)

Think back to Genesis 2. Prior to sin entering the world, when everything is perfect, God declares everything he made as being “good.” He notes just one exception: Adam is alone (Gen 2:18). Keller notes,

Adam was not lonely because he was imperfect, but because he was perfect. The ache for friends is the one ache that’s not the result of sin.… God made us in such a way that we couldn’t even enjoy paradise without friends … human friends.… Adam had a perfect “quiet time” every day, for twenty-four hours a day. Yet, he needed friends.… If you are lonely, you aren’t dysfunctional, you’re fine. You’re lonely because you’re not a tree. You’re lonely because you’re not a machine. You’re lonely because you’re built this way.… Now I have to be careful about this because one of the reasons you may not have friends is because of sin, but the passion for it, the need for it, the sense of lack of it, is not wrong at all. (“Spiritual Friendship”)

Keller goes on to challenge believers to see this need and to be open to cultivating new friendships:

Friends, let yourself need people.… Here’s the trouble. When you’re in trouble, it’s too late. You know, very few people walk around saying, “Ah, I love air. Ah. Air! Air! What good is my brain without air? What good would my life be without air?” … You only sound that way when you’re under water! Then you start to say, “Wow. Air!” And you don’t walk around saying, “I need friends” until you emotionally and personally go under, and then it’s too late—if you don’t already have them. You need spiritual friendships. (Ibid.)

How Christian Friendship Is Established

When you become a Christian, you not only enter into a new relationship with God through Jesus, but you also enter into new relationships with other believers (1 John 3:11–15). We see this reality illustrated in Acts 21.

As Paul journeys through these various places and meets with various groups of people (some of whom he probably hadn’t previously met!), we see a beautiful truth at work: the gospel creates spiritual friendships. What on earth would unite diverse people in diverse towns? A common Savior. The Christians in Tyre had such a bond with Paul, though they hardly knew him, that they could challenge Paul’s decision making! And Paul lets them! How could this happen? Because they all shared the deepest possible commonality with him: they too called Jesus “Lord” (vv. 13–14).

Christians are united in the Holy Spirit. Paul told the Ephesians, “[Make] every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Eph 4:3). Paul didn’t say to “attain” the unity of the Spirit, but to “keep” it. We can’t ultimately create Christian fellowship; God establishes it. It’s our job then to cultivate it, to work on it, to maintain it.

Just think about these scenes of Christian brothers and sisters bowing on the beach before the Lord (20:36; 21:5). Here are two vivid pictures of what brings people, who would otherwise never be together, into deep intimate friendship. They bow before the same Savior.

Friendships happen when two people share something in common. And in the case of Christian friendships, the common denominator couldn’t be greater. Because Christians share a common passion in Christ, people who may not have otherwise spent time together can become great friends—no matter who they were before meeting Jesus. Young techies, then, can become friends with retirees; rock stars can become friends with doctors; hip-hoppers can share a deep bond of friendship with farmers; businessmen can be friends with hipsters; valley girls can enjoy friendships with home girls. And when diverse individuals kneel down before Jesus and do life together, it’s a powerful testimony to the life-changing, friendship-forming power of the gospel. And it gets the world’s attention. Jesus creates remarkable spiritual friendships.

How Christian Friendship Is Experienced

I see at least four ways Christian friendship gets expressed in this text.

Practicing hospitality. “Fellowship” means to share. The believers shared time and possessions with one another in general and shared their homes in particular. In at least four places, Paul stays with fellow believers: in Tyre (v. 4), in Ptolemais (v. 7), in Caesarea (v. 8), and finally in the home of Mnason of Cyprus at Jerusalem (v. 16). This indicates that early Christians didn’t say, “My home is my refuge,” as we often hear people today do in trying to justify self-indulgence and people avoidance. These believers viewed their homes as gifts from God (cf. Jas 1:17) and as places to be used for ministry and as a blessing to others.

Hospitality means “love for strangers,” or “love for new people” (Keller, Evangelism, 198; cf. Lev 19:32–33; Heb 13:2). Practicing it is required of church leaders (Titus 1:8), commanded of all Christians (Rom 12:13), and seems to be a spiritual gift for some saints (1 Pet 4:9–10). We shouldn’t practice hospitality with “complaining” (1 Pet 4:9), but with joy because, after all, Jesus himself has welcomed us (cf. John 14:2–3; Rom 15:7). Our displays of hospitality should be motivated by the gospel. Because God has welcomed us—new people—into his family, we should gladly welcome others into our homes and into our lives, as Lydia did (Acts 16:15).

While we must practice hospitality, some seasons of life will make extending it more difficult than others. But still we should seek to welcome others as much as possible. In transient areas there’s a deep need for hospitality because more new people are always coming into the region and feeling disconnected (Keller, Evangelism, 198–99). Some, in fact, have no natural family living nearby. Therefore, if you live in such an area, remember that hospitality requires two basic things: (1) a spirit of welcome and openness to making new friends, and (2) the actual sharing of resources.

It’s so important that the Christian resist the urge to avoid making new friends. It’s difficult for some to be open to new relationships, especially if they have already invested much time and energy in previous friendships that were interrupted by a move, a job change, or even by death. But not having friendships is hard on the heart, and it’s out of step with the relational nature of Christianity. You’re made for biblical community. And you have no idea how sweet and precious new friendships may become. Don’t cut yourself off from community.

Importantly, sharing resources is not limited to sharing your home. You can show a new person around town, give advice on shopping places, greet him or her at Sunday worship gatherings, and extend a lunch invitation after the service. And should you and the new person both have small children, you may want to schedule a playdate.

Showing affection is the second expression of friendship. I have already mentioned the emotion conveyed in the scenes in chapters 20 and 21. These friends displayed visible, physical affection for one another. We see them weeping, embracing, and kissing. In 21:5 we see that whole families accompanied Paul to the ship and knelt down with him in support. I don’t want to push this too far, but we should somehow show our love for one another visibly. We should shake hands, offer hugs when appropriate, even give an encouraging shoulder pat. Paul tells the Romans, “Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters” (Rom 12:10).

Praying together. We see the Ephesian elders praying for Paul (20:36), and then the Christians in Tyre pray for him (21:5). John Polhill comments, “The reference to prayer is not incidental. Everyone was fully aware of the difficulties facing Paul at Jerusalem. They were also aware that prayer was the disciple’s best fortification in a time of suffering and trial” (Acts, 434). Let’s learn from this example. Deep Christian friendship involves times of fervent prayer for one another (cf. Rom 12:12). So pray for protection, blessing, guidance, healing, relationships, and all other aspects of life and ministry when you gather with believing friends.

Discussing important decisions. Acting on God’s will wasn’t merely a private matter for Paul. Others weighed in on his decision to go to Jerusalem. Following God’s guidance involves allowing others to give you counsel. It doesn’t mean their counsel is always right. In this case the Christians had really good intentions. They urged him not to go to Jerusalem. Paul, however, had to make the difficult decision to reject their counsel because he sensed God was leading him—like Jesus—to face suffering in Jerusalem.

So then, basic Christianity involves experiencing Christian friendships that are created by Jesus and cultivated through practices like those we see in 20:36–21:16.

 Tony Merida, Exalting Jesus in Acts (Nashville, TN: Holman Reference, 2017), 322–328.