Martin’s Mind

This is the city. I work here. I sit in the recliner here. It’s my city. It was a hot humid, night in Springfield. I was working the nightwatch out of the Canine Division. My partner, Beverly, had already gone to bed. It was Friday. I had just released our two Chihuahuas, Mariachi and Tyrannosaurus out the back door to make their regular contribution to the research into the viability of methane gas as alternative fuel. They like doing research and on this particular night they were felling especially supportive.

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I began playing golf at the age of twelve, mistakenly believing it was a non-contact sport. Early in my Gerald Ford-like career I hit another golfer in the head, which in itself was remarkable because he was standing behind me . . . two fairways over. Playing golf through the years, I have had close encounters with squirrels, snakes, rabbits, birds (not birdies), deer, ducks, geese, a wolf, a fox, and one extremely disturbed and yet equally surprised gopher.

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Some of our forefathers were a little slow in catching on to new ideas. One was “the right to arm bears.” When that cry first went up there was a collective “deer-in-the-lanternlight” look in their eyes. Arm bears? They called a town hall meeting. Once the screaming died down they realized the writer of the original idea had been drinking rum. The line was changed to “the right to bear arms.”

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Owls have small brains. They make great Ministers of Education. Humpback whales use bubbles to hunt. That’s why they should never be allowed in a bathtub with a men’s softball team. Pigeons can do math, but why they target statues just doesn’t add up. Some male songbirds sing more than 2,000 times each day, twice that if they are on the church Praise Team.

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Thanksgiving Day will see the largest gathering of turkeys this year, except for when Congress is in session. To fully understand the history of Thanksgiving we must go back to 1620, when the Pilgrims left England in search of a place where they didn’t have to wear a mask. On the voyage across the Atlantic the Pilgrims called themselves the “Saints,” while the others on board were referred to as the “Strangers.” These later evolved into Baptists and Methodists.

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English is a funny language. It is even funnier when we see words written that aren’t really there or hear words that aren’t really spoken. Newspaper headlines and Baptists are particularly disturbing when it comes to words. This is not current news but apparently a wild woman caused quite a bit of havoc several years ago. The headlines said “Cuba recovering as Michelle hits hard,” and “Keys evacuated as Michelle nears.” When I first read those words I thought it was an outrage. That woman must be stopped. The next thing you know she’ll want to be a deacon.

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To be truly fulfilled in this life, and to have humorous stories to tell your grandchildren about pet encounters, each person should have the opportunity to own a dog or be owned by a cat. Nothing beats the sweet aroma of puppy breath or puppy puddles on fresh carpet. And who could argue about the loving feeling of a sandpaper-like kitten tongue licking your face and cat claws attaching themselves to your nearest sensitive membrane?

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You may not have noticed but my personality leans toward the skewed side of life. When I was young I played a little too much above-the-neck touch football with my brother’s friends who had sausage for brains. As a result, whenever I see offbeat religious articles they always catch my eye. Fortunately they throw it back so I can use it again.

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n much the same way that Peter Pan visited Never-Never Land, I travelled to Los Angeles several years ago and spent six months there one week. I never actually saw any fairy dust or Captain Hook, but I did feel several times that someone was about to make me walk the plank.

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Did you know that Tennessee has an amphibian monitoring program? It is similar to a deacon monitoring program but with one major difference. Except for a few areas in rural Mississippi, you seldom see deacon legs on a restaurant menu. The volunteers involved in this program are issued tapes of frog sounds to familiarize themselves with the numerous frog and toad vocalizations, particularly in how they call each other.

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